This appeared in this morning’s Advertiser. If you haven't seen it, read it now (I apologise).

Now, close your eyes and remind yourself of all the reasons why it’s just so awfully, cringeworthingly, bring-up-your-breakfastly wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I’ll give Katrina Stokes the benefit of the doubt, and invite her down to Alberton for a spate of reprogramming with these dudes:

You don’t need reminding of who they are. And you know what their opinion of the Crows is.

Tim Ginever comes from the school of: 'I played for Port and we tried to get into the AFL because we’re an old, proud footy club and wanted to play in the best competition in Australia but instead the Crows were invented to stop us.'

Chad Cornes comes from that branch of: 'I played against the Crows in some of the most brutal and intense games of footy ever witnessed in Australia, I bled for Port Adelaide against them, I made Crows players bleed and at no point did I feel a hint of sympathy, or empathy for them.'

Both Port Adelaide champions, both men who bled for the jumper and would never think of supporting Adelaide on Saturday night.

And if in a brief moment of inexplicable derangement you were wondering, nor should you.

Port people love SA, they love our capital. After all, Port Adelaide has been winning premierships in this state since 1870 and are the only non-Victorian suburban football club to be admitted into the national competition. Our people are very proud of their South Australian heritage.

But they despise with every fibre the Adelaide Crows.

If you support anyone else, you’re not a Port supporter.

You can have a lukewarm preference for a winner - if you’re asked the question - but the point of being a Port supporter is – you hate everyone.

We’re out of the finals, but instead of pinning ourselves on the Bulldogs or the Roos or some other underdog side, we hold out hope a covert AFL investigation disqualifies the top nine sides from the season and we win the premiership by default.

That’s why you’re a Port supporter. Because it’s your club and no other team matters. Port Adelaide means everything to Port supporters… there is, truly, no room left in our hearts to support a second team.

The Crows have a special place reserved in Port Adelaide hell. They are our antithesis in every way. Our opposite. Our negative. If you’ve watched Stranger Things on Netflix – they’re the 'upside down'.

They are everything that is wrong with the world (at least in a sporting context).

For kids like me growing up in the nineties, our hatred for the Crows is magnified by the schoolyard torture we were subjected to around 1997 and 1998. Horror years.

They also live among us – the majority of Port people who still live in South Australia. It’s for that reason why Port people want the Roos to win. Screw SA pride. Screw the backwater SA parochialism. We're beyond that… next thing we’ll be asked to bring out the “Kick a Vic” banners from the 1980s!

For what it’s worth, I don’t think the Camries will lose. Form suggests as much. It’s painful to think they'll advance to a semi. I hope they’re destroyed the next week. 

And I don’t think Don, Fages and TayTay will give one solitary toss about my, or any other Port supporter’s opinion for that matter.

And that’s the way it should be.

Matthew Agius was a tortured seven-year-old schoolboy in 1997 and 1998